Dear Ellie: I met a guy on a Facebook dating app. We seemed to really hit it off and saw each other several times a week in addition to the daily texts and phone calls. It’s been more than three months of our dating.
He has said cute things like: “What are you doing for the next 25 years?” and also that he is “in this for the long haul” … leading me to believe we are a couple.
So, I took down my dating profile. A friend called me because she was alerted on the dating app that my dating partner’s profile picture had changed.
I was shocked that his profile was still active, also that he changed his profile picture as clearly it meant that he’s still looking.
Next time I saw him I asked him directly what was going on. He lied to me, saying that he was not on the app and that he changed his regular Facebook picture, so the dating app must’ve automatically updated his picture.
I investigated the possibility and know this not to be true. I don’t know if I should call “malarky” on his lie or let it slide and just be watchful.
I was thinking about asking him next time we’re together to take down his dating profile in front of me but I’m not sure if that’s enough to satisfy me.
He’d spoken on and on about integrity, high morals and values to me… then he lied like this? He also tried to back-pedal saying that we’ve only been dating a handful of weeks which I know isn’t the case because I know the date when a close friend passed away and we were texting throughout that time.
He said he didn’t think so, then shrugged his shoulders and changed the subject.
Should I give him another chance and see what happens?
Can’t Accept Lies
Sounds like it’s time for a break. Three months of dating is rarely a long enough time for absolute certainty that someone’s a perfect match for you.
Though he said some complimentary things to you, and dated/or contacted you regularly, character issues take longer to emerge.
Yet, you say he spoke of high values. And insisted he wasn’t lying to you about the profile photo.
Whatever your age and past experiences, if your standards for dating at this time call for absolute trust, this man has broken the seal on what you thought was a developing closeness toward a committed relationship.
Some women might feel that it’s still early days, and okay that he still wanted to see what happens for him with his new look on the dating app. They might even see it as a challenge.
But you are certain about what crosses a line for you. You believe that he lied to you, minimized the amount of time you two have dated, and that you likely wouldn’t be satisfied of his caring by his taking down his dating profile in front of you.
Be true to your own standards. Move on.
Reader’s commentary regarding the man whose wife won’t grant his request that she wear stockings and high heels in bed:
Reader: He’s in a no-win situation. If she’s not into it (at least willing), pushing her will only create friction. If she agrees, she won’t be happy, and it’ll show in her attitude when making love. He should accept reality and let it go.
Dear Ellie: My wife’s sister is always commenting on our child-rearing methods regarding our two young children, ages six and four.
I believe that my wife gives her sister’s views excessive credit because she’s the older sibling, is academically smart, researches everything, and has applied her findings to her own children (older than ours).
I focus instead on our children’s natures and how to nurture them through their different stages. My wife feels caught in the middle, which leads to us arguing.
How do I get my sister-in-law out of our family’s business?
You and your wife are parenting partners and need to feel comfortable with your decisions. Together, you can read her sister’s research, as there’s no harm in knowledge.
But weigh it against the equally valuable intuitive feelings you share regarding each child’s nature.
Well-founded expert advice plus your personal experience with the children will provide an overview. Then make your own conclusions, together.
Ellie’s tip of the day
Dating is a time of learning about each other. If you don’t trust what you see and hear, move on.
Send relationship questions to email@example.com.
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