Thank you everyone for coming out for our very special 2022-23 Parents’ Night!
For those of you who don’t know me, I am Principal Moorman. Though new to education, I have an extensive, somewhat covert background in defense contract work, and I’m excited to share some big changes we’ve made since the last school year ended.
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In May, Gov. Mike DeWine said, “We must do more to strengthen our schools’ physical security, and we must ensure school personnel have the proper training and support to keep themselves and their students safe.”
We think we have met the governor’s challenge here at Forward Operating Base Lightning, which is our new name for Littleton Elementary School.
We realize that some of these changes will take some getting used to. But our primary objective remains the same: to make sure your child walks away from FOB Lightning with a strong educational foundation, but most importantly, still alive.
And many of the little things you might remember from grade school still remain: your kids, for instance will still be getting one hot meal — Taco Tuesday hasn’t gone anywhere! — and a cot, for napping, each and every school day. The napping bunker is well sequestered from the fully soundproofed student rifle range.
You probably noticed some of the outward changes as soon as you arrived tonight, after having your vehicle undercarriages inspected with our SUC-8C round-glass convex handheld inspection security mirrors, bought with state education funds.
After that, it was just a short drive past the coils of concertina wire to our mobilization area, located beside our antenna farm.
It is there, by the way, that your children will debark each morning from our new fleet of school buses, which have been replaced with Mine-Resistant Ambush Protected (MRAP) light tactical vehicles. We’ve made sure they are painted in that classic school bus yellow, so the children should feel entirely at ease.
Once inside the wire, the base proper is surrounded by strategically placed fighting positions, specifically in the form of two-child foxholes.
I want to make two important points about these foxholes. First, if you recall your time as a youth, you’ll remember how much every kid loved a sand box. A foxhole is just the same, really, and the kids just love digging them with the new trenching tools bought with proceeds from last year’s PTO orange-sale fundraiser. Congratulations, by the way, to our top seller, little Jimmy Dunkeltag!
Second, we want to ensure you that should the worst come to pass, these forward fighting positions are used only by older students, that is fourth, fifth and sixth graders who have been thoroughly trained in close combat tactics.
The Modular Protective System Multipurpose Guard Tower is not staffed by elementary schoolers at all, but by volunteer members of the Brooklawn Junior High Surveillance Club.
Upon entering FOB Lightning’s primary compound, students are searched with the latest technology at our ECP — excuse me, our Entrance Control Point.
Just off the lobby you might have noticed that our art classroom has been repurposed as the school armory. There was some weapon overflow into the library, but fortunately the recent push to remove books referencing inclusion and diversity freed up the extra space we needed.
From there the changes are much what any parent would come to expect in a school in 2022: blast-resistant doors, bullet-resistant windows, plenty of body armor stowed in the coat closets in sizes XS and S. A gun rack has been installed on the chalkboard in every classroom for teachers to keep their defense weapons of choice close at hand, and one child in each class will receive field medic training from the local Army Ranger School.
We have enough limb tourniquets, bleeding control packs and chest seals for everyone.
I hope you feel that, with guidance and leadership from our elected officials at the Statehouse and in the governor’s office, we have done absolutely everything possible to prevent violence from visiting FOB Lightning.
I would like to close this night, if I may, by offering our thoughts and prayers to the 19 children and two teachers killed last May in their schoolhouse in Uvalde, Texas.
As our elected officials have said, it is important that we feel for these victims. As Scripture tells us, harden not your hearts. Harden your schools.
Thank you, and good night.