Ahh Tinder, you either love it or you hate it. Datings apps have made our lives so much easier especially now with Covid, but that doesn’t mean the boys have got any better. This list represents 99 per cent of the guys you’ll see on Tinder, so keep swiping girls.
Nobody I know has had any real success from it, and yet still, they’re unable to resist the urge to keep swiping in case the next guy is the one. It has become an addiction for some, but hopefully, this article will help you girls see the error in your ways.
Here are all the guys in Southampton you’ll see on Tinder:
The gym lad
These boys can’t afford to take you out but can somehow afford their pre-workout, five kilogram bucket of protein powder, creatine, and Sainsbury’s entire stock of chicken breast. They will spend more time looking at hot topless men on Instagram than you do and practically lives in Jubilee. Their profile will be full of black and white pictures of them flexing their biceps, but your thighs will still be bigger than his.
The boy from Surrey aka the posh boy
His middle name is probably Champion or Peregrine or something else equally ridiculous. His pictures will include the following: Hmm playing rugby, wearing tweed at the races and him having a pint in the local pub wearing a Schoffel gilet. He will definitely take you to The Jetty for your first date, and pay for it using daddy’s money.
Their family owns a black lab on their five-acre estate, and holidays in Salcombe. If you play your cards right you might even get invited on the annual family ski trip to their holiday home in the Alps.
Smoking weed is not a personality trait.
Everyone has had the absolute displeasure of encountering one of these guys. These are the people that exclusively have group photos on their profile. If you have to spend five minutes figuring out which one they are, they’re probably not the fit one. Every picture on his profile has at least four painfully standard, distressingly similar looking guys, with Quad Vods in hand. Don’t even bother asking which one he is as he’ll just reply “Guess ;)”.
The nice guy
This is the guy whose bio says “Will treat you right” but ironically will call you fat if you don’t reply in under two hours. His chat will probably make you want to scratch your eyes out, and he probably gets his mum to tie his shoelaces. However, you’ll probably get at least one if not two fancy meals out of him. He also thinks Oceana cheese room is the best clubbing experience out there.
The indie guy
The first line of their bio is definitely a line from an Oasis song. He probably also wears rolled-up jeans that are a bit too short for him. They will do anything to be edgy, definitely owns a polaroid camera and studies a humanities subject. If you have your music in your bio he will definitely judge you, so if you get a match at least you know the indie boy approves of your taste. Always has a shocking trim and thinks downing Jesticles makes him quirky.
He’s just searched “funny tinder bios” on Google.
The f*ck boy
His name most definitely starts with a J and their bio probably mentions pints. He either plays rugby, football or lacrosse and doesn’t miss a single Oceana Wednesday. They talk a big game but it’s the most disappointing shag you’ll ever have. Though you can take solace in the fact that’ll you’ll probably never have to talk to them ever again. Probably hasn’t washed his social attire since first year.
The one who made their account underage
Their bio will say “I’m actually 18 no idea why it says 21” – maybe because you made your account when you were 15. These boys have the most dead chat you will ever encounter. He will never miss a Stags Karaoke and definitely lives off of tinned food and Stellas – huge fresher vibes. Never believe a thing they say, they’ve probably got a girlfriend back home and are just looking for a uni shag.
Girls, keep swiping, you may just find that needle in a haystack.
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• What your Jesters drink of choice says about you
• Everything you should know before moving into Glen
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