Alan Partridge is the father of our great nation. He is ridiculous, awkward and floundering in equal measure – everything being British encompasses.
So he should be everything that British boys are attracted to, right? What’s better than the most beloved man in the country. Nothing – that’s what.
In honour of the second season of This Time with Alan Partridge I decided to embark on a journey so ridiculous and awkward, only Alan Partridge would really understand or appreciate it.
I decided to hit boys up on Tinder using only Alan Partridge quotes. I thought, if I can pull a man by saying “smell my cheese!” I can pull a man anywhere, anytime. I basically never have to worry about pulling again.
And ladies and gents, I did just that. Not with any Alan Partridge line, either – with possibly the least sexy, most gross and borderline inappropriate one. But before that, let’s go through the ones that…. didn’t land as well.
First off: I got aired a lot
My offer to take boys to Long Stanton Spice Museum was aired not once but TWICE which is, I believe, abhorrent. What better date location are they waiting for? I understand the second airing actually because I asked him if he’d say yes if I proposed in the Long Stanton Spice Museum, so maybe that scared him off. Still – don’t be a baby?
My (Alan’s) controversial Titanic opinion was also left unread which I find to be cruel and unfair. It’s a perfectly good opinion and makes a lot of sense. Unless one of this guy’s ancestors was on Titanic… that wouldn’t be a great look for me.
Sometimes they just didn’t get it
Some boys attempted the “haha this girl is being weird and I don’t get the reference but I’ll play along with it” manoeuvre and some just straight up didn’t get it.
Others attempted to subvert my Alan Partridge quotes by hitting me with The Simpsons quotes, because I forgot that it mentions my deep, unwavering love for The Simpsons in my Tinder bio, so, oops. I confused the boys. Their brains can only deal with one cult favourite quote-roster at a time.
Sometimes they did get it but their responses were sub-par
If any man thinks I will respond to them once they hit me with a SINGULAR gif, they have another thing coming. That’s like thinking you get a response after sending someone “k”. No chance mate, you might get the reference but you aren’t getting me.
Sometimes it went… badly
I know he’s joking but great white ethnostate was too far even in response to this specific AP quote.
And sometimes, you find the one
I thought Ricky was a dud from the second he called me THE WRONG NAME (seriously dude? It’s right at the top of your phone screen?) but then he surprised me.
Thinking he was a goner away, I hit him with the ultimate anti-chat up line “smell my cheese” and not only did he get it, he responded well to me telling him I loved him – which is pretty mad considering we had just matched on a dating app five minutes beforehand. A man unafraid of commitment.
To push him further I initiated a relationship, which he was unbothered by, but then tried to make some crude implications about sex.
Much like Partridge would do, I chose to ignore these and pretend I didn’t know what he meant. If this was real life I’d have given him a handshake and a signed copy of my book.
Oh well Ricky, you were a good boyfriend for the two minutes we had together. Shame you had to mess it all up.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .