Your primary school lunch box snacks were the highlight of your day as a kid. Amid the monotony of the school day – learning long division (what even is that) and Italian (very beneficial, can now say molten penne) – your snacks were a bright, shining light.
Sandwich? Boring. Snacks SURROUNDING sandwich? A joy. Who knew what Mum and/or Dad had in store for us each day! Would we get a delicious contraband treat? Or some horrible faux-healthy snack marketed at parents who were alarmed by their child’s chip butty intake at the canteen?
I found all the snacks I could remember across not one, but four supermarkets. Sadly, we have a few losses. One – Space Food Sticks. Could not find them anywhere. Woolies says they have them but Woolies, in my opinion, is lying.
Two – GoGurts. Do not exist. Like actually are discontinued though, not just floating around on supermarket sites taunting me, but not actually present in reality.
Anyway, who cares. I rounded up 22 snacks for you. That’s more than enough to entertain! Let’s get to it.
1. Mamee Noodles
Spoiler – I had Mamee Noodles back when I tried all my fave canteen foods, so I already knew what they were like. Still, I did it again just coz, and look. They’re… fine? Still crunchy and the BBQ flavouring still tastes like pure MSG, but not as wonderful as I remember.
2. SPC Two Fruits
Hands up if you had an uber healthy mum or dad who forced stewed fruit on you as a kid? I always had a two fruits or the peaches in a tub as lunch box snacks.
Trying this as an adult – yeugh. Tastes like if you soaked styrofoam packing chunks in some warm, gluggy pear juice.
BIGGEST. DISAPPOINTMENT. EVER. Who begged and pleaded for these as lunch box snacks when they were kids? All of us? Yeah. Coz it looked fucking amazing – little kangaroo bikkies AND choccy spread? What a glorious sugary combo!
In reality, the hazelnut spread is like a sub par version of Nutella, and the Tiny Teddies SHIT all over the bikkies. No bueno.
Hot damn. I mean I still eat these as a grown adult so like, I’m basically a Babybel expert. They are the PERFECT cheese. A bit creamy, a bit sharp. I could eat ten of these. Fun fact – when I was in France years ago I found a Babybel the size of my fucking HAND.
Those Frenchies know what’s up.
5. Bega Stringers
Absolutely disgusting creation. Kid marketing x 10000. I mean, kids do love them (I sure did) and they’re still cheese and preservative free and shit. But the novelty of stripping bits of cheese off a log loses its shine as an adult.
Also, the cheese tastes shit.
6. Paul’s The Lion King Yoghurt
This was my GoGurt replacement – similar vibe, and banana flavoured because who tf eats banana yoghurt past age ten?
Me, in the future, apparently – because this fucking SLAPPED. Banana yogie is delicious!! So good! And squeezy pouches are such a vibe, no mess, no spoon, get the job done etc.
7. An Orange
My mum was obsessed with including pre-cut fruit in my lunch box which, come 11am, was warm, stinky, and had infiltrated all other lunch box snacks in my bag. And probably my bag, too.
The cut up orange was by far the worst culprit of this. As an adult, it is still the messiest, most useless fruit.
8. A Mandarin
On the flip side, mandarins were neat and didn’t need cutting! But these were also the fuckboy of fruit – each wedge was like playing with fire. Would you be burned with a dud, tasteless piece or a juicy, fresh one? You never knew. Very fool me once/shame on you/fool me eight out of ten times and now I am in a bad mood coz of you, mandarin.
9. Le Snak
I fucked with Le Snak as a kid, and I still fuck with Le Snak. Gimme all the spreadable processed cheese you have. One thing though – these STILL don’t provide enough of a ratio of cheese spread to cracker.
10. Tiny Teddies
Fun fact: you can only buy a box of one flavour Tiny Teddies, or a GIANT FIFTEEN PACK. Seems extreme. Anyway, now I am made of Tiny Teddies because these bad boys? They are absolutely baby drugs.
The Honey flavour is still supreme and most addictive, but closely followed by Chocolate.
Choc Chip can get fucked.
11. 100% True Fruit Bars
These were the Helen Mason (mum) version of a roll up. In no way did they resemble a roll up in either taste or texture. They were instead a thick plank of mashed fruit that was a bit greasy when you removed it from the packet.
Shit then, shit now.
12. Roll Ups
Here’s a surprise for you – Roll Ups suck as an adult. The novelty of unwrapping a flat, colourful rainbow is absolutely still there. Remember the plastic bit!?
But the taste is gross. Fake fruit plasticness and they’re impossible to chew without drooling on yourself.
13. Uncle Toby’s Muesli Bar
This was my favourite flavour of muesli bar as a kid, and it’s still pretty damn good today. They used to have way more yoghurt on top though and that really made it. Like a flat layer, you know?
14. Laughing Cow
Another phenom cheese. These were little triangular blocks of cream cheese spread, which is fucking weird but also extremely delicious? I ate all eight in an hour.
Good god, who doesn’t have the fondest memories of these bad boys. Still confusing to me – were you meant to pack them on some five day hike and spread one single piece of white bread with them, or were we all eating them correctly by licking the spatula?
I don’t know, nor do I care enough to find out. They’re just DAMN good.
16. Frozen Just Juice Poppa
Mum liked to put a frozen poppa in my lunch box to keep my lunch box snacks and sandwich cool. Sometimes when she ran out she’d put a frozen water bottle, which was disgusting and the water tasted like freezer.
Anyway, get ready for a new addiction because frozen poppas are SUCH a vibe. Go buy a six pack and see if you don’t end up buying ten more next week.
17. LCM Bar
Ah yes, the forbidden snek. Mum never let me have these and you know what? As a grown woman who could mother a child myself now, I get it.
These are literal liquid sugar on cereal. They’re not even pretending to be healthy, you know? And for that, we must respect them.
Also, LCM bars are fucking delicious if you also want to bring on a huge sugar high and subsequent crash involving crying over your ex.
18. SPC Fruit In Jelly
This was my preference over Two Fruits. It had the kid-approved element of jelly involved! Yes yes, the tasteless pear is still present but jelly!!! JELLY!
IRL these are fine. Not amazing, not gross. Maybe good cold but I tried them warm coz who had a cold lunch box in reality?
19. Aeroplane Jelly Cup
This is pure fucking sugar and I have no idea how these made it past my health obsessed mum.
20. Spaghetti In A Tin
Okay I distinctly remember this time when the principal at school told us we could no longer bring canned food in, because of the risk of injury. How we were ever allowed it in the first place? Beyond me.
These are as disgusting as you’d expect. And yet, you go back for more. Can’t explain it, won’t.
21. Apricot Delight
Another sugar inferno masquerading as a “healthy snack”! These are like eating a small log of pure sugar crystals mashed into some dried apricot. So, delicious, but also headache inducing.
22. Mini Sultanas
I always had tiny packs of sultanas in my lunch box as though making the pack all cute and teeny suddenly made dried grapes appealing to kids.
These packets are so fucking small. I reckon they hold like ten sultanas. It is madness.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .