A woman with a longtime boyfriend has appealed to sex and advice columnist Dear Ashley (real name Ashley Cobb) with a delicate question: if her boyfriend is on Grindr, how should she react?
“Dear Ashley,” the woman, identified only as “Ms. Confused,” writes. “My boyfriend has a Grindr profile. I know this because I caught him scrolling one night while laying in bed. I asked why he was using it and he said that he was simply curious about how transgender women looked. To me, it didn’t make sense because he had the app saved under the “travel” folder and it didn’t seem like he was expecting for me to ever find out about it.”
“He deleted the app in front of me and swore not to use it again,” she continues. “Because I still have my suspicions, I made a fake account to check and see if he might be using it. I recently saw a profile with what I am sure is a picture of his torso as the profile picture. I’m confused, what does this mean?”
“Should I confront him and end it now?” she concludes.
Ashley doesn’t mince words when it comes to Ms. Confused’s predicament.
“There’s not much to be confused about here,” Ashley writes. “Grindr is an online dating app for gay, bi and queer men. If your boyfriend was solely interested in seeing what a trans person looked like, he could have searched Google. He is also being dishonest. No matter your sexual orientation, it is never okay to be in a committed relationship but masquerading as single on a dating app without your partner’s knowledge.”
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“His dishonesty stems from him being uncomfortable in his sexual identity,” Ashley deduces. “He’s probably nervous to confide in you because he is unsure of your response. None of which excuses lying, but I can see why he would lie. Cis men aren’t allowed the same opportunity to openly explore their sexuality as women are. Women can ‘experiment’ with other women and nobody thinks anything of it, but men aren’t afforded the same. This makes it harder for them to publicly share their desires without fear of rejection.”
“With this in mind, if you’re going to confront him, you need to do so from a non-judgmental space,” Cobb advises. “Confront him with kindness. Also be prepared for his truth. If he confesses to being bisexual, are you okay with having a bisexual boyfriend? Be honest with yourself. If you are open to dating a bisexual man, as a couple discuss ways to be open about your desires moving forward. Ask him why he enjoys the things you’ve found him watching to gain insight on what he enjoys. If dating bisexual men is not your preference, be honest about that as well. Whatever your decision, remember to be kind and honest with both yourself and your partner.”
We can’t argue with that advice. As any guy here who has met someone on a dating app that also has a girlfriend will attest, a sticky situation like this can get very nasty very fast.
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