When I interview women like you who apply to Love U, I invite you to consider what your life will look like when you found the relationship you’ve always dreamed about. Sure enough, some women struggle with this exercise because they can’t even imagine what it feels like to be loved unconditionally. If that’s you, tune in to this special Love U Podcast.
When you look back on your relationship history, do you smile? Do you recall the amazing healthy times when you were blissfully happy? Or do you recall the times that you got disappointed for the millionth time? When you have a checkered relationship history with a man, the answer’s probably both. When I’m interviewing women to see if they’re a good fit for Love U, I take them through a short exercise and ask you to envision your future. I’m going to do the exact same thing here for you today.
My name is Evan Marc Katz, Dating Coach for Smart, Strong, Successful Women, and your personal trainer for love. Welcome to the Love U podcast. Stay to the end of this video to discover what it feels like to be happily coupled up and how to get there. When we’re done, I’ll let you know how you can apply to Love U to create a passionate relationship that makes you feel safe, heard and understood.
So, when I launched Love U, a few years back, I did it for a mass number of people, like 300 people going through the course. At the same time, I did a big launch. It was exciting. The calls were really engaging, but they were big. It felt like I was projecting to a ballroom. Now, the way I do Love U is that I take people through the process myself. Weekly group coaching calls that take place on Tuesdays, Wednesdays for about two hours at a time. So, everybody gets a lot of personal attention. We get to go really deep on those calls. And the reason I share this with you is not as a sales tool. It’s because most people enter their love life without a plan, without any structure. It’s the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. And so, when I interview people to decide if they are qualified to be in Love U, they book on my calendar, they go to Love U and click on the apply button on Love U. You fill out an application. And if you’re qualified, you can book a phone call with me. And here’s what we do on the phone call. Be completely transparent with you. I ask you these questions and I’m going to do it with you right now. I would encourage you to write down the answers to these questions. Not in preparation for a Love U interview, but it’s real food for thought. Guys, ready?
So, the first question I ask is, why now instead of six months ago or six months from now? Why now? Because when people sometimes reach out to me, they’re feeling some pain. Maybe they suffered from a recent breakup. Maybe they’re celebrating a birthday. Maybe it’s a holiday and they’re looking at their life. It’s the new year. Valentine’s Day. There’s something that spurs them into action. But you have to be really available for love. Dipping your toe into the waters of online dating, swiping right on a thousand guys, going out willy-nilly with every guy who texts you, that’s not a strategy. There’s no thought behind that. That’s what most people do. So, before anybody comes into my course, I really want to make sure that they’re doing it for the right reasons, that they have the intent of getting into their blind spots, confronting their blockages, and overcoming their fears. And have the desire to succeed in the long run. So, it’s important to align yourself with your desire. So, ask yourself if you’re stuck in your love life, why do something now instead of kick it out for six months? Or why didn’t you do this before? What is it about now that’s making you say, I want something different?
Next, what does it feel like to be single when you want to find love? My clients are super cerebral. I usually get like an answer from up here and I’m asking you to bring yourself down into your heart. You’re a smart, strong, successful woman who has everything but the guy. What does it feel like to have accomplished everything in the world, to have a happy life, to have friends, have a job, have a home, to have all these things? I’m not asking you to decry your life or deny that you have a measure of happiness. Of course you do. But when we really dig a little bit deeper and get into our feelings, what does it feel like to have everything but the guy? Does it feel confusing? Frustrating? Are you afraid? Maybe it’ll never happen for you? I won’t put words in your mouth, but I want you to consider your feelings because we sometimes keep so busy that we never even get to look at our feelings about what it’s like to be single, to be alone. It’s so painful to admit that we’re lonely. I’m not lonely. I’ve got great friends. I have a close family. I got these work colleagues. I got a dog. And it’s all in service of sort of denying the thing that gets people on the phone with me. Something’s missing. It’s OK to admit that there’s something missing. Most of us have something missing. So, what does it feel like? Let’s get in touch with those feelings.
And then I ask, what do you think isn’t working now? It can’t be your city, can’t be your job, can’t be your guy. It has to be something internal. It has to be something about you since through the common denominator in your life. And that’s not to deny that there might be something wrong with your city or something wrong with your job or something wrong with the men in your area. But presuming that’s the case, there’s nothing that coaching could do for you because after you go through Love U, you know who is the same? Your job, your city, the men in your area. So, I really want you to look at why we are here. What choices have you made in the past? Maybe you prioritize work in your 30s. Maybe you got hurt by a guy and you became invulnerable and took yourself out of the dating space for a long time. So, you’re not feeling confident. All right. Let’s look at why you’re here. In your opinion, not mine. Because I don’t know you. What’s not working in your love life that we need to look at together to get you results?
Our next question, why do you want a relationship? Now, usually, when I ask, why do you want a relationship, people come back with what they want. Well, I want a husband. I want a best friend. I want a lover. I want a partner in crime. I know that. Why? That’s a more challenging question. Why do you want it? When I get a man to be with me for the next 40 years, I will feel what? Again, we’re getting into those feelings, not answering from the head or answering from the heart. When I get a guy who loves me unconditionally, I will feel what finally, that I don’t feel right now. That is your why. It’s the emotions behind why we’re doing this. It’s not. I just want someone to travel with. I need companionship. I need sex. I know what you want. That’s the ‘what’. I want to know why you want it. And that ‘why’ is usually what you’re missing right now. That’s why. I want to feel accepted by another human being. What was hard for me when I was single, I found a lot of women that I liked. I couldn’t find anybody to accept me. That was a big part of my why. I just wanted to feel accepted in a way that I was by my family. But I couldn’t find a woman who did that besides my wife. So, let’s think about that. Why do you want a relationship? When I get a relationship, I will now feel what?
Of course, you felt the high.
And then this is an official question. But when the tone strikes me, I will ask the potential of Love U clients, have you ever been in a relationship where you’ve felt emotionally and unconditionally loved and unconditionally means without condition? Not have you ever been in love? Of course, you’ve been in love. Of course, you felt the high. Of course, you had a good three months, six months with some guy that you’re trying to desperately recapture. But I’m talking about the kind of love that is enduring and safe. The term we use always here is safe, heard, and understood. Maybe you would or maybe you wouldn’t be surprised that the number of women I talked to are in their 60s who could look at me straight in the face on a Zoom call and say, I’ve never had an adult relationship with a man who made me feel safe, heard and understood. I didn’t feel that from my parents, didn’t feel that with my first husband, haven’t felt it with anybody that I’ve dated since. I mean, I’ve been in love. There were guys I really liked. I was engaged once. But that feeling that you talk about, the love that you describe that you have for your wife, that she has for you, the one that’s like familial, the way you love your children unconditionally. They could do anything and they would feel safe in our family. Have you ever felt that with a guy? And for most people, unfortunately, the answer is no. They fell in love, but they’ve never felt unconditionally loved.
Now, if you have, it’s great. It means you have something to draw on. It means you’ve climbed to that mountain top. And you know what it feels like when someone really has your back and you can do anything an he’ll still be there for you. And if you know what that feeling is like, you know it exists. And, you know, where we’re trying to get ahead. And, If you don’t know what that feels like, this concept might be foreign to you. This thing I’m talking about.
But I was on Facebook the other day and I had people telling me the thing I’m talking about doesn’t exist. The thing that I have doesn’t exist. The things my clients get, doesn’t exist. It hasn’t existed for you because of perhaps how you’re raised or some insecurities that you have or some choices that you’ve made you might not have experienced. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. And that’s what I want to remind you. Talk about this, my belief in the Love U program. If you don’t believe that the thing I’m talking about is real, I can’t help you get it. You have to believe that what I’m talking about is real for you, not just for everybody else in the world. It is real for you.
But if you’ve been limiting yourself to a certain kind of guy, it is by definition, a limiting belief. This is all there is in men. The only kind of men out there are cheaters. The only kind of men out there are selfish. The only kind of men out there are liars. Losers. Not true. That’s the subset of people that you’ve chosen consciously or unconsciously to date. So now that we’ve established that and I write this all on a little Post-it note, you get on the phone with me, you’ll see me on my Post-it notes right here.
I ask, what would you like to see happen in six months? Where would you like to be? What would you like to have? What would you like to feel when we go through Love U? You go through the course. Connect with women in the community. Hundreds of other smart, strong, successful women get to know me. I shepherd you through your love life. Answer all your questions. If we could plant a flag and say this is where I want to be six months from now, what would that be? Almost everybody gives me the same answer.
This is the reason I’m doing this podcast and video today is to get to this point. Everybody says that they want the same thing in six months. They want to be in a relationship that has long term potential. They don’t want to be married in six months because they know that’s kind of cockamamie. But they want to be in a relationship with a guy where there’s a good chance at a future. And they’re both on the same page and they’re exploring whether it makes sense to get married down the road.
That’s a great answer. And that’s a reasonable answer. That’s an achievable answer. And then I ask and again, I really want you to do this with me. I want you to think about this. I want you to write this down. Three years from now, you’re still with the guy that you met when you’re with me in Love U, and the guy that you met while we’re in this course, he’s still there. You wake up next to each other Saturday morning, three years from now. No coronavirus. Walk me through a day in your life. Tell me, like I’m a fly on the wall. I’m holding a camera. What am I watching if I’m watching you two on one random Saturday, three years from now?
And the reason I’m telling the story is that everybody says the same thing. It’s beautiful, actually. Clichés are clichés for a reason. So, I took the liberty of writing it down. Wake up on Saturday morning, make love, have a leisurely breakfast, get coffee, read the paper, talk about what they’re going to do for the day, go on a walk or a hike or to the gym or on a run, go out to lunch. Maybe separate. Do some errands separately. Or find a daytime activity like a museum or a farmer’s market or a festival to attend by day. Nighttime is either going out to a nice dinner with another couple having friends over or just staying home to cook, watching a movie, cuddling before falling asleep in each other’s arms. Wash, rinse, repeat.
I’ve done a thousand of these calls. No one’s really deviated from that story very much. Most people’s love stories don’t involve a guy on a white horse or guy with a private jet. It’s that. It’s connected. It’s easy. It’s fun. There’s a ton of togetherness. Room for separation. Other people are in the mix and it flows. It’s not work. It’s joy. And some people struggle with this exercise. And I ask them to picture their love life in three years. They draw a blank. Why are they drawing a blank? Because they haven’t experienced that before. It remains in the realm of fantasy. I can’t even imagine having a day like that. I’m almost afraid to say it out loud. It seems silly to talk about this. Some people have been waiting for this moment their whole life that it pours out of them. They give me every detail of the day.
And again, then there’s some people who just virtually shut down when asked to think about their future. And the reason I find this exercise telling and important is we’re putting a point in the G.P.S. You don’t get in your car and just drive indefinitely somewhere. When you get in the car, you put a point in the G.P.S. and that’s where you’re headed. In order for me as your coach to get you there, we need to know where you want to go, what it looks like, what it feels like. So that’s our North Star. How can we possibly get there if you don’t know where you want to go? So, I ask you to describe your dream life, to really step into it, to actually feel it. And when people embrace this little exercise and tell the story, you could see their faces light up.
The beginning of your call, we’re talking about all the mistakes we made, all the time we wasted, and all the guys who hurt us. And then you start to dream about what it looks like and you realize this dream is a very achievable dream. There’s nothing fantastical about it. This doesn’t require anything special; you don’t have to be special to have this life. Millions of people have this life. You might have to do something different than you’ve done in the past. But your perfect life in three years with the morning coffee and the making love and the and the hike. And you can have that soon. But you can’t have that if you do nothing. You can’t have that if you take yourself out of dating. You can’t have that if you think the worst in men. You can’t have that if you are so insecure and so afraid of getting hurt that you never put yourself out there again.
So, the whole premise of my existence, my job is to take people through that process and hold your hand in Love U when we’re just reverse engineering your dream. Here’s where you want to go. Here’s where you are now. My job is to hold your hand and get you there in much faster time without all the pain that you have associated with making mistakes and not trusting your judgment and dating and relationships.
So again, I did this for you to experience the exercise of what it’s like to talk with me on the phone and have me ask you really intimate questions about what you’ve been doing in your love life and where you want to go in the future. And if I were you, I wasn’t motivated to hire a dating coach, now you just wanted to learn. I would write down the answers to these questions, really think about that, and try to plot a course for yourself. And if you don’t know what to do, that’s what I get from the people who do join Love U. I don’t know what to do. Like. Yes. Now I understand, but I don’t know what to do. Well, that’s the reason I’m here. Got it.
So, my name is Evan Marc Katz.
Thank you for tuning into the Love U Podcast.
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Thank you so much.
I look forward to talking to you soon.
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