Phillies
John Kruk’s X account was hacked on Thursday night, as reported by a bunch of people who saw this incredibly un-Kruk post:
Which did lead to some real good commentary:
Love that last post there. It’s incredibly true. These two tweets side by side do rule, and present a stark incongruence between who Kruk is and who this scammer was trying to portray him as. It’s not even close to Kruk-ish. Crypto guys don’t talk about “dang computers.” Kruk has likely never heard of crypto. It should go without saying, but I doubt he’d seek out a crypto coach, or any kind of coach, or desire guidance on anything on any subject. I don’t see him as someone who’d love buying a Toyota Tacoma so much that he’d excitedly take sideways pictures of it and post them online. Tough to imagine him describing the purchase of a Tacoma as something that “still feels unreal.” I doubt he’d ever have a reason to thank this woman publicly:
And most of all, Kruk definitely doesn’t seem like a guy who, after proudly making this announcement, would inexplicably start blocking Phillies fans:
I guess I just don’t get hacking. I don’t see the upside of getting into a celebrity’s account. Where’s the payoff? What’s there to be gained by posting as John Kruk? Do scammers really think that if I see John Kruk post about a Toyota Tacoma, I’m going to think, “Damn… I want to post sideways photos of a tan truck online… I didn’t know this level of luxury existed… I want the glory, the clout, of having a tan truck… Kruk says he accomplished this feat by buying crypto from this private X account… I must follow in Kruk’s footsteps… Now I’m going to click on a bunch of strange links and give $10,000 to make this happen for me… The tan truck will be mine… Just like Kruk… We are peers now… The luxury boys…”
The tweet didn’t make me think that. Doubt it made anyone think that. It’s a bad plan. And on top of that, why did the hacker block Phillies fans? What does that get you? Isn’t that just drawing more attention to the fact that whoever is running the account is probably not Kruk? Shouldn’t the hacker have tried to act as Kruk-like as possible by saying cool Kruk-type stuff, like complaining that he has to stick around for a few extra minutes to talk to the Phillies Post Game guys, or being glad the Phils are hitting the road so he can get a few days off?
Truly baffling stuff. I already said this to Rally House today, but I’ll offer the same deal to any hackers out there: Crossing Broad is available to hire as consultants if you need help nailing an authentic Philly tone. We are very expensive but we’ll do it for the right number. We can help you hack better. You’re not that good at it. Please do not hack us.
Matt Schultz is a comedy and sports writer from Philadelphia. He’s written extensively for ClickHole, The Onion, and Conan O’Brien’s Team Coco. His work has been featured in Vulture, Deadspin, The A.V. Club, Paste Magazine, and other publications. Much of his sports journalism can be found on college basketball websites that don’t exist anymore (PhilaHoops Heads rise up…)
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