What’s going on over at the Federal Bureau of Investigation?
Ostensibly, the agency is supposed to be in charge of cybersecurity, not the victim of cybercrimes. But that didn’t stop the FBI from getting hacked, and boy, did it get hacked badly.
The more we learn, the worse it gets.
The hacking group, ShinyHunters, got access to the FBI’s online jobs portal, including information on current and former agents, job applicants, home addresses, job histories, spouses—you name it, they got it.
Reuters learned that the 5,000-line spreadsheet—which the hackers released as a little taste of the full two- to three-terabyte trove of data they stole—contains information on who was assigned to sensitive divisions like intelligence, security, and counterespionage.
It scooped up staffers working in groups with names like “China criminal enterprise unit” and “Russia Critical Infra and Tech Threat,” as well as sensitive information on all FBI staff—which is about 38,000 people.
Seems bad, right?
ShinyHunters says it’s going to hold the data hostage until the FBI rescinds a 2026 FBI FLASH report about the group, which says it exaggerates its hacks, swats people, and harasses victims.
But let’s face it: that data is already out there on the loose, even if the FBI does decide to buckle and release a new statement about how great ShinyHunters is.
And it sure doesn’t look like ShinyHunters is exaggerating anything about what they gained access to here.
A former FBI counterintelligence operative told Reuters that the stolen data is “a foreign intelligence service goldmine.”
It’s so cool that we’re now living in a 1990s espionage thriller, but a particularly dumb one.
Related | Kash Patel defends FBI’s questionable hiring standards
Hacking the FBI is made all the more hilarious by the fact that there’s a whole FBI Cyber division dedicated to stopping this sort of thing. It even has its own hacker-looking website with tough talk like, “The mission of FBI Cyber is to impose cost on cyber adversaries through unique authorities, world-class capabilities, and enduring partnerships.”
And it rolled out a little video announcing its big 2026 strategy just two weeks ago. Perhaps it should’ve spent more money on data security and less on making its website look like a 2003 WIRED article.
Now, of course, the FBI is raging about this hack, saying they’re “actively and aggressively investigating the matter.” But like all things in this administration—and particularly all things run by FBI Director Kash Patel—this is all too little, too late, too pathetic.
And speaking of Patel, he’s not speaking at all.
Yes, the little dude loves the limelight when he’s pounding brewskis with the men’s hockey team or screwing up major investigations by boasting about them on social media. But when his agency is facing an existential threat-level data breach, Patel is nowhere to be found.
Well, given that Iranian hackers gained access to Patel’s personal email months ago, maybe silence is the best option here. Having him get up and issue some toothless and stupid threat would only highlight the incompetence and arrogance of this administration.
This is what happens when you install a bunch of childish wreckers into positions of power—and FBI employees and their families are going to pay the price.
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