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Each week, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on the letters she’s received. Her reply will be available every Friday.

Hey Prudie,

Re Too Close for Comfort: Four years into our marriage, I insisted we ditch the duvet.

Now have two identical twin comforters. I was losing so much sleep thanks to Husband the Blanket Hog. He thought it was weird at first, but accepted that I was the one whose sleep was suffering, and jumped in.

I also know plenty of couples who sleep in separate beds, separate rooms, whatever is needed. Quality sleep is up there with a healthy diet and regular exercise when it comes to overall health; don’t let it suffer because of what someone might think.

—LelstetterFurnklin

I couldn’t agree more. 

Hey Prudie,

This is Non-Binary Blues with an update. Turns out that my brother’s fiancée, now wife, was micromanaging everyone’s outfit, not just mine. I wore an outfit that she picked out for me, and it was fine. It wasn’t anything I would ever wear on my own, but it was comfortable, and that’s all I really cared about in the end. Thanks for your help.

—Non-Binary Bliss

Wow!! I am shocked that 1) everything worked out so well, and 2) everyone let her get away with this. But I’m thrilled that you didn’t have to wear something that made you horribly uncomfortable.

Hey Prudie,

This is for Running in Agony: I love whistling, and if I were a gym person, I could easily see myself whistling a few tunes. Before you give up on the gym, you should talk to them. It doesn’t have to be rude or a demand. And they may be rude or refuse to stop. But before you give up on the gym (or if enhanced earphones don’t work), I don’t think it’s unreasonable to at least ask.

Try, “Hi, sorry to interrupt you. I really hesitated to bring this up, but I have a condition called misophonia, which means [insert preferred one-sentence explanation here]. I’ve actually been really affected by your whistling. This is the only time with my work and child care I can come to the gym, and I’ve tried layering two sets of headphones, even. Is there any chance you could stop or reduce the whistling? This is totally a me thing, but I thought I’d ask. It’d make a huge difference to me.”

If you said that to me, I’d be completely fine to keep my whistling at home. There are annoyances to being in a public space, but we can try to be kind to each other.

—Whistle While You Work (Or Not)

Really good script. If they’re going to say something, it’s essential to frame it as a favor and present it in a “it’s not you, it’s me” way. This could work, and I’d love an update if it does!

Hey Prudie,

I just wanted to add a bit to the advice for Never Wanted This: A written agreement is actually a kindness for ALL parties. It lets everyone consider pros, cons, expectations, and consequences. It can even say what happens in case of unlikely events. It can clarify what you expect from them, give them a chance to state what they think is reasonable, be modified to be as close to satisfactory to all parties before signing, and constrain actions that the landlord can take thereafter. It sounded like the LW might be hesitant to put things in writing for fear of the tenants feeling insulted or like she doesn’t trust them. But if she thinks of it as relieving any anxieties they might have because the future is uncertain, that might make it easier to proceed.

—Long-Time Renter

Absolutely. It feels a little bit uncomfortable to have a conversation about a formal agreement, for exactly the reason you mention. But that will pass, and it will be much less uncomfortable than what the letter writer is currently dealing with, which sounds like absolute hell. I think people like this, who are super generous and caring, sometimes need to balance that with a bit of self-protection.

Hey Prudie, 

Re Sad But Done: You may consider enlisting the help of the assisted living staff, such as a social worker, program supervisor, therapist, health aide, or physician. The issues described are common among that population. First, you want to rule out the various conditions that may cause a change in behavior in this group. Then you can ask how other families overcome some of the obstacles. You are neither the first nor the last, and the professionals may have some good strategies to help both you and your parents have an easier time.

—Seth A

Very good point. The people who run the assisted living facility have seen it all before and definitely have a lot of wisdom.

Hey Prudie, 

Re Sad But Done: It might be time to consider separating your parents if that’s an option in any way. Especially as she declines, your warm and thoughtful mother should be surrounded by people who show her kindness. I can’t imagine your father’s attitude and isolation are doing anything for her health or comfort.

—Mama Move

Hmm. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to separate the mom and dad, because the mom, while declining, doesn’t seem incapable of making decisions for herself. I imagine making this change without her buy-in would involve a medical and legal calculation. But even short of a complete move to different homes (or assisted living rooms), I do think it’s a great idea to work on filling her life with kind people who bring her joy, to water down the influence of her grouchy husband.

Classic Prudie

I live in a condo that has a gym, which I frequent. Unfortunately, another gym rat in the building smells very bad. She might not care, or she might not even notice; I’m not sure. But the gym is small, and the stench is so unpleasant that it makes me cut my workout short…