There’s never been one right way to be a parent.
But the world has changed a lot over the last two decades. The internet, smartphones, social media and now AI have added extra challenges to the task of raising children. It can feel impossible for parents to keep up.
A Wisconsin doctor and researcher is the co-author of a new book that tries to help parents and caregivers tackle those thorny issues with practical advice backed by years of study.
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Dr. Megan Moreno is a professor of pediatrics and affiliate professor of educational psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. Her new book is called, “Connecting: Raising Kids in the Digital World,” and it comes out Oct. 13.
Moreno said she hopes to empower parents.
“In a world of influencers, parents are still the first and most important influencers for kids,” Dr. Moreno said. “Kids are looking to them for these conversations and boundaries, and these can be boundaries you negotiate together.”
Dr. Moreno joined WPR’s “Wisconsin Today” to give some tips for parenting in a technology-focused world.
Set your expectations to ‘good enough’
Moreno said that these days, there are a lot of judgments on parents when it comes to how they let their kids engage with technology. But like potty training, sleep training or dealing with tantrums, there are a lot of different ways to be successful.
“You need to approach it with a little bit of grace and a little bit of understanding that you might not get it right every single day, every single time,” Moreno said.
Instead of trying to meet some singular, perfect standard for parenting, Moreno encourages striving for “good enough” — embracing variation and learning from experience.
Open up the conversation
If there’s no one right way to parent around technology, how can parents decide what strategy is right for their child?
“I think a lot of it starts with curiosity. Parents can sometimes feel a little intimidated that their kids are ahead of them on their tech expertise,” Moreno said. I think it’s completely OK for parents to say, ‘What the heck is Instagram? Show me how it works.’ Or, ‘Hey, this is a new game you’re playing. Show me what you like about it.’”
Moreno said having those conversations early is important to prepare for when they might get into trouble with their online habits.
“(Then) your child knows they can come to you, and even if you’re not crazy about what they did or what they saw, you’re still there to support them,” Moreno said.
Take it offline
If parents want to cut down on their child’s screen time, understanding what they like about their preferred digital activity can be a great way to connect them with offline interests.
“Some parents will use that information and say, ‘Oh, you love building games online. Let’s go get some clay,’ or ‘Let’s get that pile of scrap wood that I had in the backyard and build something,” Moreno said.
Encourage digital literacy
As kids get older, parents can have conversations with them about the “Why?” behind technology. That might include conversations about how platforms are designed to suck them in and keep them scrolling.
“That can be really empowering for kids to feel like rebellion isn’t sneaking their phone in their bed at night — the rebellion is shutting that feed down,” Moreno said.
Encouraging digital literacy can be especially helpful if a child is engaging with online influencers — people who generate interest in something by posting about it online. Influencers may seem authentic, but kids may not understand that influencers have ulterior motives.
Parents can prompt questions like: Are they selling something? Why do you think that they’re selling it to people your age? What are they hoping you’re going to do? Where else could you be giving your time and attention?
Set an example, but embrace mistakes
Kids learn more from what their parents do than what they say, Moreno said. So setting a good example is important.
“If you give your kids screen time limits, but they see you late at night scrolling, they’re going to learn more from what you’re doing,” Moreno said.
But moments of imperfection can be great learning experiences for kids.
“A parent can say, ‘Oh my gosh! I got totally caught up in cute cat videos. I made a mistake. I’m going to do it differently next time,’” Moreno said. “That’s such a powerful teacher for kids.”
Adapt as children change
In the same way that there’s no one right way to parent around technology, the rules and guidance that parents give their kids should change as their child grows and changes.
“Kids interact with media in very different ways as they navigate later childhood, early adolescence and late adolescence, and being able to help them decide what they’re going to embrace and what they’re going to let go of is a really great part of parenting,” Moreno said.
That growth will be different for every kid, so parents should be flexible and adapt to what they observe in their child. Moreno heard that same idea when she asked focus groups of 10 to 14 year olds: What is the right age to get your first smartphone?
“They said it’s not about age — it’s about responsibility, it’s about maturity, and it’s about being able to respect the boundaries your parents give you,” Moreno said.
Take advantage of resources
Parents can take advantage of resources like Moreno’s new book to guide how they help their kids through the digital world. Moreno also recommended online resources like The American Academy of Pediatrics Center of Excellence on Social Media and Youth Mental Health and that organization’s Family Media Plan, as well as Common Sense Media.
Moreno encouraged parents to talk with other adults about how they’re navigating technology in their households.
“Parents do that a lot when their kids are young, but less so as they get older, and I think having parents connect to each other and support each other is a really key thing that will help us with the next decade of tech use,” Moreno said.
